Reservations. "I will get high if ____________ happens." Or whatever the case may be for you. Whether it's getting high, over indulging in food, or any other bad behavior being replaced with a good behavior in order to live a better life. Mines, just so happens to be drugs.
Over the weekend, a reservation reared it's ugly head. The blessing? I didn't get high. The down part? It wasn't addressed. Until yesterday, on day two of my journey. You see, I have become quite good at sweeping things under the rug and being unwilling to problem solve. My pattern has become, "just don't acknowledge it and then maybe it will go away!" I can't express to you enough how wrong this concept of mines has been. Because everything unresolved, resurfaces at some point again. May not be in the exact form or exact same event, or even with the exact person it happened with. But guaranteed, it will pop up at the most unexpected time and announce itself, saying "I'm backkkkk!!!"
I had to face a lot of issues yesterday, that I haven't been willing to face, EVER! I value something so much, that I had to become willing. If I wanted it to remain a part of my life and if I cared as much as I say I do, I will be willing, no matter how uncomfortable it gets for me. A few times throughout the conversation, I reached over and took a puff or two of a cigarette. When I got home, I shared a cigarette with my significant other. And I am not going to lie, after the conversation was all said and done, I truly felt the urgency to smoke! I felt I needed that thing to calm my nerves. And when I got home, I decided to satisfy that craving with a cigarette. And let me tell you how that felt, sickening. Not sickening in the way like "ugh, why did you do that?" Sickening, physically. My head hurt, my stomach started turning, and I felt like my chest was going to explode.
Slowly but surely, this habit of mine is breaking itself. I don't have to try so hard to let it go. I just let it happen. My desire to stop is stronger than my desire to smoke. There is no secret to this stuff...it draws from within.
Stay Blessed.
<3 Justina
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