I'm losing the battle.
But I will not lose the war. Gave in again. But this is what I am figuring, I went from a pack of cigarettes every day and a half, to half or one cigarette a day. Listen, I don't know about you but I'm damned impressed by that progress!
I suffer from perfectionism. Another small part of my disease. I tend to beat myself up when I can't you uphold MY IMAGE OF PERFECTION. It's really crazy that out of all the people in the world, the person I trust and love the most is my worst enemy. Myself. I'm sure that a lot of you can relate. My head tells me what a piece of shit I am for not being able to deny myself the cigarettes. The reality is, I'm progressing. And I have to fight myself with myself! I know sounds completely mental, but so true. And If you are laughing, smirking, or nodding your head...the truth is, you relate. So today, I am going to give myself a pat on the back because I deserve it!
Last night, I had an opportunity to share my story with the young ones who are residents at Sharp Mesa Vista. They are admitted for a bunch of reasons, one of the most common reasons, suicidal tendencies. It was a blessing to go in there and share with these young beautiful but completely lost kids, and give them hope. There is another side to the feelings, the thoughts, the pain. And so when I reflect on where I was and compare it to my right now, my struggles are so much different. The point is, I would rather struggle with quitting smoking than struggle with having to find ways and means to use and get more. The quality of my problems today are so very small compared to those of my past. I mean come on! I didn't wake up in a cinderblock cell with 7 other women to be carted off like cow carcass to eat slosh for breakfast! So I think smoking one cigarette is better than waking up to that everyday!
Stay blessed!
<3 Justina
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