Day 9 of No Cigarettes

I'm losing the battle.

But I will not lose the war.  Gave in again.  But this is what I am figuring, I went from a pack of cigarettes every day and a half, to half or one cigarette a day.  Listen, I don't know about you but I'm damned impressed by that progress!

I suffer from perfectionism.  Another small part of my disease.   I tend to beat myself up when I can't you uphold MY IMAGE OF PERFECTION.  It's really crazy that out of all the people in the world, the person I trust and love the most is my worst enemy.  Myself.  I'm sure that a lot of you can relate.  My head tells me what a piece of shit I am for not being able to deny myself the cigarettes.  The reality is, I'm progressing.  And I have to fight myself with myself!  I know sounds completely mental, but so true.  And If you are laughing,  smirking, or nodding your head...the truth is, you relate.  So today, I am going to give myself a pat on the back because I deserve it!

Last night, I had an opportunity to share my story with the young ones who are residents at Sharp Mesa Vista.  They are admitted for a bunch of reasons, one of the most common reasons, suicidal tendencies.  It was a blessing to go in there and share with these young beautiful but completely lost kids, and give them hope.  There is another side to the feelings, the thoughts, the pain.  And so when I reflect on where I was and compare it to my right now, my struggles are so much different.  The point is, I would rather struggle with quitting smoking than struggle with having  to find ways and means to use and get more.   The quality of my problems today are so very small compared to those of my past.  I mean come on! I didn't wake up in a cinderblock cell with 7 other women to be carted off like cow carcass to eat slosh for breakfast!  So I think smoking one cigarette is better than waking up to that everyday!

Stay blessed!

<3 Justina

Day 8

War.

That's what I declare on cigarettes.  War.  I broke down and smoked a cigarette and a half yesterday.   Them damn things have this suffocating hold on me.  Got It's long skinny fingers wrapped around my neck so tight, that I would do anything it tells me to do just to live.  But what an oxymoron.  Right?

Right.

So, war.  It's war against those little bastards.  It's not even about the moods, the physical withdrawals, or the "need" to smoke one to feel "normal " again.  It is now about being able to deny them.  Not even smoking when I want to or because I can.  My health is riding on my ability to quit and Stay quitted.  I remember one time I went to the doctor's for a check-up, she asked If I smoked.  I said, "Yes! But I cut down a lot!"  (This was long before I decided to quit) She asked me, "Well how many a day?"  I replied, "about 5 or 6."'

She looked at me as If I was crazy and told me, "Honey, those add up."  Ugh, hate you damn people.  Making me think outside the box.  Things had never been the same since then.  I obsessively thought on a daily basis that I needed to quit.  But then on the other hand I didn't want to.  So I tried the "cut down" method, Which only lasted a couple weeks, but always ended in me smoking more than when I started! 

So, dear cigarettes.  I declare war!

Stay blessed!

<3 Justina

Day 5, 6, and 7 of No Cigarettes

Horrible.

Is how I did this weekend, not just with smoking but with eating clean.  I didn't forget to work out!  So I have that STILL going for me.  Saturday I broke down and bought myself a pack.  Fortunately, I only smoked one cigarette from it.  Unfortunately,  I wasted $4.50 on a whole pack.  Lol.  Something about the weekend that makes me think I'm on vacation from taking care of my body and health.  Saturday and Sunday are two of the days I ALWAYS look forward to, but come Monday I always regret. 

I smoked a total of 4 cigarettes this weekend.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself.  Sunday was Father's day so the food surrounding me, I just couldn't deny.  I didn't completely indulge in dirty foods this weekend but I indulged enough to where when I woke up this morning to work out....I just wanted to die and give up and crawl back into bed. Thankfully I didn't.  

Nobody's perfect.  And I do the best I can.  However this weekend, I know in my hearts of hearts I could have done better. 
Here's the deal, starting today, I'm not even going to take puffs of a cigarette. Today is the day I cut it off completely!  I gave myself a week to adjust to the big change to my mind,  body, and soul.  I'm sure I'm ready.  I'm positive I'm ready.  I have gotten over the physical withdrawals, I think. Lol.  I have my energy back this morning with out smoking a cigarette, so I think It's safe to assume that I have.  Only time will tell.  Until tomorrow.

Stay blessed

<3 Justina

Day Four of No Cigaretters

Happy.

That's the emotion I felt,  pretty much all day.  Day four was as easy as day one and two were.  I haven't completely gone without cigarettes.  I still do puff on one each day.  I'm not going to lie and sell you guys a dream that I went completely cold Turkey.  I also have a vape that I use  when the cravings come on through out the day.  But I can say, I don't think about cigarettes as much as I used to.  The first thing I thought about when I woke up everyday was "coffee and cigarettes."  But I ALWAYS had to smoke a cigarette before I did anything!  Sad.  But so true. 

The real challenge is going to be the weekend.  The weekends are always a challenge for me, even with food and my workouts.  I don't consistently workout during the weekends and I tend to indulge in delicious but VERY unhealthy foods.  With me not smoking,  It's been even more of a struggle to deny myself sweets.  I wanted this next 30 days to include sweets, but without cigarettes, my sweet tooth has been more off the hook than ever!

SO, here is to the weekend and the strength to make it through!  I am proud that I made it this far without buying a pack and saying, "OK, only one a day." I would be insane to do that because I have tried that over and over. Insanity is defined as "doing the same thing expecting different results."  You know these days, I am trying to stay far away from the insanity!

Stay Blessed.

<3 Justina

Day Three of No Cigarettes

Rage.

That's what I felt on the third day.   Day one and day two went so smoothly, I didn't expect what was going to happen on day three.  I was literally homicidal. 

I was overly sensitive and extremely emotional.  It felt like a mack truck hit my heart and shattered it in a million pieces.  I was hurting and didn't know why.  I was wondering to myself, "was this really the best idea?"  I was questioning my decision on quitting smoking!  Questioning a POSITIVE change.  Lol.  I suffer from the disease of addiction and I tell you when the disease and my mind get together because I am weak and vulnerable, they really can do some emotional and mental damage.  You may feel like that's a bit dramatic, but for me...it's not.  The disease is real and live and well and it will get me at my most vulnerable points.  

I had to get to a meeting yesterday.  The feelings I was feeling was effed up in so many ways.  This came out of nowhere and I had no idea how else to deal than to surround myself with people like me. 

I kept hearing, "make it 3 days and you are good!"  It's a wonder I made it through day 3 without killing someone!  I hope the worst is over.  If it's not, someone please warn me!  Matter of fact, let me warn you!  Day three was the worst and if it gets worst than that.. Get out of my way!!

Stay blessed_

<3

Day Two of No Cigarettes

Reservations.  "I will get high if ____________ happens."  Or whatever the case may be for you.  Whether it's getting high, over indulging in food, or any other bad behavior being replaced with a good behavior in order to live a better life.  Mines, just so happens to be drugs.

Over the weekend, a reservation reared it's ugly head.  The blessing?  I didn't get high.  The down part?  It wasn't addressed.  Until yesterday,  on day two of my journey.  You see, I have become quite good at sweeping things under the rug and being unwilling to problem solve.  My pattern has become, "just don't acknowledge it and then maybe it will go away!"  I can't express to you enough how wrong this concept of mines has been.   Because everything unresolved,  resurfaces at some point again.  May not be in the exact form or exact same event, or even with the exact person it happened with.  But guaranteed,  it will pop up at the most unexpected time and announce itself, saying "I'm backkkkk!!!"

I had to face a lot of issues yesterday, that I haven't been willing to face, EVER!  I value something so much, that I had to become willing.  If I wanted it to remain a part of my life and if I cared as much as I say I do, I will be willing, no matter how uncomfortable it gets for me.  A few times throughout the conversation, I reached over and took a puff or two of a cigarette.  When I got home, I shared a cigarette with my significant other.   And I am not going to lie, after the conversation was all said and done, I truly felt the urgency to smoke!  I felt I needed that thing to calm my nerves.  And when I got home, I decided to satisfy that craving with a cigarette.  And let me tell you how that felt, sickening.   Not sickening in the way like "ugh, why did you do that?"  Sickening, physically.   My head hurt, my stomach started turning, and I felt like my chest was going to explode. 

Slowly but surely, this habit of mine is breaking itself.  I don't have to try so hard to let it go.  I just let it happen.  My desire to stop is stronger than my desire to smoke.  There is no secret to this stuff...it draws from within.

Stay Blessed.

<3 Justina

Day One of No Cigarettes

I have been smoking since the age of 12.  So for more than half my life, I have been puffing and puffing and puffing.   There is NO secret to quitting.  It's pretty obvious how anyone who wants to quit can quit.  It's called "desire."

Desire is required when deciding to do something.  I have tried continuously to quit.  "Cutting down" has been my method for a while and clearly it did not work, no matter how "hard I tried."  I wasn't ready to quit.  So my lack of desire to become smoke-free has been the biggest obstacle in my many attempts to let go of the cigarettes. 

Day one proved to be very easy.  Easier than what I expected.  I thought I was going to immediately wake up and search for the fix I have been doing every morning faithfully.  I woke up and I didn't even think about a cigarette.  Well, until my significant other mentioned something about a smoke. Lol. 

My physical being was going through it though.  I had a headache and I was so tired!  Then around 930ish, the nausea kicked in.   What many fail to realize is nicotine is a stimulant.  So without my daily stimulant,  my energy level decreased and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and drift off to oblivion. The physical effects have been the hardest to deal with.  After 17 years of smoking, my body had no choice BUT to become physically dependent on them.  I'm an addict by nature so, you know how that goes.  Haha.

I'm not going to say I didn't take a few puffs of a cigarette because I did.  But I can also tell you how sick to my stomach I felt after doing so.  The insanity! Haha.

Day one was a piece of cake.. I am blessed to have had it so easy.  I haven't even broke down and bought a pack yet, which is different for me.  I am utilizing my vape for when small cravings start to come on.  I just take a couple drags and it's taken care of.  Yes, I am using other things to help me stay away from cigarettes.  But don't worry, those won't be permanent solutions.

Stay blessed_

<3 Justina