introduction

"you can only keep what you got by giving it away"


never in my life did i ever suspect i was an addict.  people used to tell me i should quit getting loaded. i responded: "im not no quitter *smile*".

now i realize how naive i was. drugs was my remedy to the emotional and mental pain. i was my own doctor, diagnosing myself with "im just young" and prescribing my self alcohol, weed, and ecstasy.  not to mention the substances i "experimented" with.  i was sufferering from a brain disease known as addiction. but like a person who is in heavy denial he/she has a heart conditionm one fateful day he/she suffers a heart attack and finally the delusion is shattered. my heart attack is what is known as "hitting rock bottom". 3 years incarceration didnt stop me from getting loaded either. 7 months before my term was due to end, i decided i needed to try something different: GET CLEAN.

the purpose of this blog coming to be is that i can give hope to addicts and knowledge to non-addicts. i thought my problem was just the drugs. well surprise! it ran deeper than that. it ran to the core of my soul. inadequacy, insecurities, and the delusion that i can be human and NOT feel.

i can sit there and point at someone and say, "damn dude, you have a problem!" but what i failed to realize is that my middle finger, ring finger, and pinky were pointing right at me at the same time. "you spot it you got it". it took 11 years for me to realize that i was talking about myself too. then it took me a year of being clean to realize that it all began way before i took my first drink and smoked my first blunt and popped my first pill.

this is the struggles of an addict in recovery. some days are good and some days are just fucked off. but through the happiness all the way through the pain. i can not pick up no matter what.  if u are new in recovery and think for one second that this new life is going to be cuddly bears and rainbows, please relieve that fantasy from your mind. the reality is... drugs may have contributed to horrible decision making and heart ache but it didnt cause all the wreckage we created. its possible to live life without the use of drugs. for me, its only through my Higher Power and the Fellowship that i can maintain my drug-free living.... dont ever forget that fact.

 there are a lot of other things that i will touch on but for now... this is an introduction to my life as a recovering addict.

-stina